Insurance or "I bet you I'll die!"

We had a life insurance guy come by last night. He was typical of the breed--classy button down shirt, spiffy creased chinos and highly polished lace up shoes. He didn't wear a tie. That's supposed to let us know that this is a casual, homey experience. Not that he's looking through a microscope at our lifestyle to see if we're living on the edge. Not like he's trying to determine if we want to insure way more than our net worth so we can suicide and collect.

To me, life insurance is an iffy thing. When I think about it for long, I feel like I can hear hucksters shouting and one armed bandits clanging in the background. That's right, it feels like GAMBLING to me.

I find myself bothered by the whole conversation:
"We don't think you're going to die, so here's your policy," the light glints off his reassuring smile as he hands us a flimsy piece of paper.

"I think I'll die sooner, so here's my premium," I hand over a check and hope for the worst.

Life insurance is sold with a whole convoluted 'if you need money you can draw on your payout' Ponzi scheme. Seriously, he said, "if you find out you have a terminal illness, you can draw up to 25% of the policy value in advance of your death!" Umm. Yea? That's great! What? Did he just try to make a terminal illness sound like a good thing?

I know some people consider life insurance to be a great investment (because it's a non-probate asset) but I still think I'm betting on my own death. It feels like tempting fortune to me. I gamble that I'll die sooner than my premiums paid-in equal more than the policy face value. I'm not really good at math, but betting I die sooner so my heirs make out feels kind of maudlin.

Currently, I'm unemployed. Luckily for me, my husband and I only buy as much house as one salary can support. We've been married for a while and this isn't the first economic downturn we've lived through. But with my continued unemployment, my husband worries. If he were to die, how would I survive? Thus, the insurance guy. My husband wants mortgage payoff coverage. So if he dies, the house is paid off. The funny part is, this insurance guy wants us to cover ME too. So if I die, the mortgage is paid off. I looked at my husband and said, "Why? If I die, you can still pay the bills--that won't change." The insurance guy looked a little concerned (there goes half his premium!) Then he mentioned that if I die, wouldn't my husband LIKE a big chunk of money? It seems that you don't actually have to pay off the mortgage. You can spend it how you like. Do I really want to fund a trip to the islands for my grieving husband? Umm. I guess so.

So, this very nice insurance guy sits down and starts asking 'lifestyle' questions.
Do I drink? Do I smoke? Do I sky dive? Do I scuba dive? Do I rock climb? I was waiting for him to ask if I tamed lions. I don't. But I still expected to have to affirm that. He also admitted that he was 'looking around'. By this, he meant that if we said we were non-smokers, but the front flower pots were full of cigarette butts, our premiums would have slid into a different bracket. Really? He's looking in my flower beds? Pull a few weeds while you're there, Jack.

The insurance company is not a very trusting one. They are going to test us to see if we have AIDS or cancer or some other blood borne disease. Knowing that some nurse is going to come to my house and draw blood and quizz me about my health is priming the pump of my perverseness. Think of all the stuff I could say while medical questions are being asked:
"I don't go out in daylight. It burns us."
"I only consume free range game. I kill all my own animals. Would you like a canape?"
"What was that question again? The voices said no, but I'm thinking yes."

Insurance is a financial protection. But I don't have to like it. I think I'll work on some more fun stuff for the nurse's visit. It'd be fun to line up some urns on the mantel and put discreet brass name plates on them. Or put a red splashed canvas on an easel and act like it's a work in progress. Maybe lay out some firearms. I'm going to have to give this some thought.

--Sandee Wagner