Spammers

No, thank you.  My penis doesn't need enlargement.  Really.

I don't buy prescription drugs via the Internet and if I did, I don't think I'd order them from a lab in China or India.  And, the male enhancement drugs are wasted on me.

I won't wear an expensive watch or jewelry that costs enough to make me look like a 'victim'.  And if I did, I don't think I'd trust the Internet to provide me a link to a place that didn't deal in knockoffs.

So, all you guys trying to sell me something, here's the stats:  I'm a woman.  No penis.  I don't need to 'go all night long" or be "hard enough to satisfy her".  I'm in my forties.  Which means I'm careful with my money and won't throw it away on crazy herbal gimmicks.  I appreciate the difficulties that some men face with erectile dysfunction, but my interest in it is not personal.  I won't buy your meds.

If I want to buy a Gucci watch or Rolex, I'll go to the jewelry store, but since I'm in my forties and have never purchased one to this point, the possibilities of me doing so based on your email is very, very tenuous.  Wouldn't you rather pitch your goods to someone with a history of buying expensive, showy jewelry and watches?  Get your email addresses from websites that sell toupees or golf slacks.  Leave me alone.

Each day, I get 10-20 crazy emails at my gmail address.  I do not ever enter this address in any web form.  All the Internet purchases I've made have all used my cox.net account.  So the people who are doing this marketing are just iterating all the 'names' and adding @gmail.com and hoping for someone who will click a link or look at their products.  I am not that guy.  Like I said, lacking the basic male plumbing.

It does make me wonder about Internet advertising and email marketing.  Because it's free, they can lay it on all the mailboxes they can hit with very little cost to themselves.  If a single person clicks or buys, they are now convinced that this type of marketing actually works.

I don't find this offensive.  There have been other instances where my ballocks have been called into play.  I had hernia repair surgery once.  I had to sign all the forms that explained the possible side effects for inguinal hernia repair surgery.  The young surgeon passed me the hospital form and I read it carefully.  When I signed the bottom with a flourish, I told him that if my testicles started swelling, I was going to sue him, regardless of my signature on the form.  He just laughed and marked that paragraph out with a sharpie.  He made the mental note that they might need male/female specific forms.  I was not offended.  It just didn't apply to me.

The spam that hits my email inbox has the same effect, it's all trash.  It doesn't apply to me.  I do spend a little time wondering about this desperate website that needs business so badly that it's easier for them to email every possible iteration of an address, than to actually do their job, find out their demographic and select marketing and advertising that gets to their chosen population. 

I've been told to never reply to those advertisers, even to ask them to remove you from the list.  I'd really like to prepare an "I don't have a Penis" response and send it out every time.  What do you think?  Would it get them to take me off their list, or would the spam just change from male oriented crap to female oriented crap?

It's like a twelve step program.  Here's step one:  Hi, I'm Sandee and I don't have a penis.

--Sandee Wagner