Strange Comedy

I've been giving a lot of thought to comedy and writing comedy. I've been watching comedians and reading lots of comedy lately. I'm trying to figure out what makes things funny to me. It seems like there is a huge divide in comedy. Two distinct types.

There's physical comedy. Comedy based on prat falls and silliness. It's Abbott & Costello, Dick Van Dyke, Jerry Lewis and everything that Adam Sandler has ever done. That comedy based on silliness, bodily fluids and physical gags. All the movies made by National Lampoon and most of the jokes told by the Blue Collar Comedy guys. The books that present an endearing character who is beset by her own inabilities, or surrounded by craziness. Janet Evanovich's whole number series based on the exploits of Stephanie Plum falls into this category. Most of MaryJanice Davidson's vampire and werewolf books are comedic and depend on these types of gags.

Maria Bamford is on the Stand Up Comedy Jam and she has the weirdest act I've ever seen. She just does a rambling, stream of consciousness monologue that borders on mental illness. I laughed and laughed. My husband sat beside me, unlaughing, and kept asking me to explain the jokes. He didn't get it.

Then there's the very cerebral comedy based on culture, current events and politics. The Dennis Miller rants, Lewis Black diatribes and everything that Jon Stewart does on The Daily Show. When a comedian depends on pointing out the silliness in world events, or actual political scandals, then 'the thinking man' can appreciate the absurd in life and laugh. This translates into more stand up than written books. Thoughtful comedy acts as a 'straight man' to life's crazy events. George Burns never told a joke until his wife Gracie died. He was the straight man. In order for some comedy to work, it requires the foil of normality.

So now, I'm back to looking at the books written to be comedic. You have to have endearing characters, a reasonable plot, and wackiness. I'm trying to dissect how to make something funny and I found a great article by a writer. She recommends a set-up, the 'one, two punch' but instead of delivering that which you've been led to expect by the set-up, you throw in something unexpected. I'm wondering if the pattern of delivery actually makes something more funny?

I'm also worried that what I find humor in will leave a wide portion of the audience out in the cold. I'm imagining a reader like my husband just looking blankly at the page. It's a lot easier to think about comedy than to write it. So, characterization, timing and delivery. And quirkiness. It's a lot to integrate into a story. I'd better get back to work.

--Sandee Wagner

No longer anyone's demographic....

I saw a t-shirt on a gray haired woman, it said, "No longer a key demographic". I stalked her through the story trying to get a shot with my cell phone camera. I know, I know. Crazy stalker. But the shirt's point is very real to me. Sometimes, the ads blasted at us on the radio, TV, billboards and signage are not designed to appeal to our age group.

I'm okay with not being a 'target audience' but what frustrates me is when the advertisement itself, meant to appeal to a younger crowd, is not even understandable. Some of the most bizarre ads happen when a company gets a social conscience. Then instead of advertising what they sell--the expected--they pick a cause and give you imagery of that cause. For months, I drove by a billboard that displayed a flaming car, upside down. Obviously the target of a car bomb or some kind of wartime activity. Underneath the image was the corporate name of a company that made clothing. Teenager's clothing. So. Car bomb equals t-shirt sales?

I've always thought that marketing was voodoo and witchcraft. I'm coming to realize that it's not even aimed at me anymore. Now that I've reached a point in my life when I have more disposable income, no retailer even focuses on my needs. As America ages, and the number of people in my demographic increase, I expected more ads to be attractive to me, designed for my needs, or focused on my wants. But that is not the case.

So, here I am. Money to spend and no one cares what I think or what I want. Google does an interesting thing in email. They actually scrape the words in an email to deliver ad links on the side of the email frame. If you write an email to a friend and tell her that your date is 'hairy as an ape' then your sidebar ads will be for hair removal systems, zoos or animal supply companies.

In a couple of sci-fi movies, the screenwriters envisioned a future where walking past a full body scanner would tell them enough about a consumer to deliver ads tailored to that individual. I find that future engaging and fascinating. Now that the airports are putting in full body scanners, I guess it's not far behind. I'll be someone's demographic, someday!

--Sandee Wagner

Google Bombs

I find them endlessly entertaining. You know, a Google bomb, where there is some specific text phrase you can enter in a Google search window that will bring up unexpectedly funny results?

My son sent me a message: in the Google search box put in "where is chuck norris" and then click on the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button. What returns is not an actual Google search, but a page written by someone that LOOKS like a return page, only with funny stuff in place of real results.

There are a lot of people out there, with a lot of time on their hands. One of the first Google bombs I ever heard of returned the Microsoft home page when you typed in "more evil than Satan himself" in the Google search box. That still makes me laugh.

In our cyberworld, there are ways to misdirect, inform, persuade and encourage all kinds of hobbies, theories, and views. There are ways for excited people to share their enthusiasms and proselytize. There are ways for folks to vent their ire by putting captions on world or political leaders' pictures, or to share stupidity. All you need is a website and some time on your hands--maybe a retailer to torment or a group of people to mock.

Some of my favorite websites for comedy:

Icanhascheezburger - a site for LOLCats and many other shared jokes. I don't even like cats and these pictures make me laugh. For the world traveler, check out the tab for Engrish, which is devoted to bad signage everywhere.

ThereIFixedIt - a site for photos of very bad fixes and their commentary. Some of these will make you shudder.

Failblog - a classic for posting any report of things that are not functioning up to their potential.

GraphJam - a gathering place for math geeks and marketeers.

Sometimes, just the plain old news will make me laugh. But always, an unexpected result will make me smile. Searching on a term, looking for a little nugget of information and getting back a funny, makes my day every time. I guess I'm going to have to keep track of them.

Until then, I need to think of a search engine term that I can Google bomb. Any suggestions for a word or phrase we can misdirect by getting thousands of links/hits?

--Sandee Wagner

Weathering The Storm

Tulsa, Oklahoma is expecting bad weather--ice storms and freezing rain--over the next 24 hours. This is not unusual for the area, Tulsa gets bad weather and storms all year long. What I find fascinating is the laissez faire attitude of Tulsans. A couple of years ago, this kind of weather would not spur any activity at all. Then came the ice storm of 2008. Electricity was out in some parts of town for more than eight days.

Now, when the weatherman says 'ice and freezing rain' people listen.

The stores are full of folks stocking up on batteries, canned food and bottled water. A lot of my friends built fires, wrapped up in blankets and lived without electricity for a long time. Some of them gave up 'roughing it' and joined family and friends to wait out the weather in parts of town that kept their creature comforts. I'm pretty sure that came down to who had electric water heaters and who had gas water heaters...

The interesting part is this: how many times will the weathermen have to be wrong about the severity of a storm before people will quit preparing? This is what happens in coastal areas that are prone to hurricanes. The weathermen shout gloom and doom and the storm either veers off, or the force of the winds is so much less than forecast that folks begin to doubt the quality of the information. Before hurricane Katrina, you could have interviewed anyone in New Orleans and they would have listed the number of storms they stayed through... and how often the forecasters overestimated the strength of a squall. Nowadays, I'm pretty sure the New Orleans folks will flee when they are asked to leave.

They don't suggest evacuating for winter weather. They don't want anyone out on the roads. We're expecting over an inch of ice tonight, so power lines and trees might be coming down. At least that's what they are prognosticating. If they are wrong, then Tulsans will get a little more complacent. And next time a storm is forecast, they'll do less to prepare. It's like a big circle.

I'm going to stock up on easy to fix foods. I'm going to be prepared to be without light or heat for a few days. But if it gets bad--I'll wait till the roads clear and find someplace more comfortable to wait it out. I do need my creature comforts.

--Sandee Wagner

Where's The Love, NPR?

While I was running errands yesterday, my car radio was tuned to NPR. I listen to public radio a lot. I used to send them money every year, I was a 'subscriber' or supporter. Then came their coverage of the war in Iraq and my colonel put his foot down. He got pretty angry at the one-sided, left leaning coverage and withdrew financial support.

But I still listen. I guess I'm stealing from them. I get angry every once in a while, but mostly I'm addicted to Science Fridays and a few other shows.

Yesterday, they were interviewing Bill Gates on the aid his foundation has provided to Haiti during this crisis. First, let me preface this by saying, you can believe what you like about Bill Gates--I used to tell everyone he was the anti-Christ because I am a Linux supporter--but you can't fault his philanthropic activities. His money and Warren Buffet's have been combined into a self sustaining fund that gives out over 3 Billion dollars a year in grants and aid. Yes, you heard that right 3 BILLION.

This foundation has made some profound choices. They looked at the studies. When they realized that in developing nations, as health and wellness improved, then women chose to have fewer children--they decided not to focus on birth control in developing nations. They focus on health. Knowing that as health improves, women themselves limit the number of children they have. The foundation has taken some hits from the press. Some folks think they should focus more on different areas. The foundation is focusing on malaria and AIDS research, trying to fund the scientists who will develop a vaccine. Anyone who can do research knows that more people die from malaria and other assorted 'bad water' borne illnesses than AIDS each year. In my humble opinion, the foundation is picking their battles and funding what they can.

They have medical care givers and stores of medical supplies warehoused for disasters. They are 'quick responders' to situations like the Haiti earthquake. So imagine my surprise when this NPR interviewer started taking Bill Gates to task for his decisions on where to spend his money. One of the current programs includes $30 million dollars in grants to point-of-service medical devices. The foundation is funding technology that will help caregivers provide medical assistance in third world countries. That seems like a really good idea to me. But this NPR reporter wasn't giving Bill the benefit of the doubt.

Really? This man and his foundation give out 3 Billion dollars a year in aid and you want to argue with where the foundation chooses to invest? Are you nuts? I wonder if there is another single foundation on the face of the earth giving back to this extent in these financial times??

I talk back to my radio sometimes. In my car or in my kitchen, sometimes I yell at it. Yesterday, they probably heard me across the street. NPR really missed the mark on this one.

--Sandee Wagner

I Don't Live Like That

All of us have some guilty pleasures, some show we watch on TV that we're embarrassed to admit we watch. I will throw myself out there and tell you that I am addicted to Project Runway. I cannot take my eyes off it. Much like a trainwreck, I am compelled to watch those creations strutted down the runway. Burlap? Really? Did they make an elegant evening dress out of it? Yes. There's drama, conflict and construction. All of it fascinates me.

Have I ever watched a single episode of American Idol or Dancing With The Stars? I think my darling daughter in law made me watch Idol once, but I'm not that big of a fan of singing or dancing shows.

When I was clicking through the stations this morning looking for something to light on long enough to get my laundry folded, I stopped on Say Yes To The Dress. For those of you who don't know, it's a reality show based on the real life brides of an exclusive NY salon buying wedding gowns.

Who doesn't love watching a bride try to find "the dress"? I have had the opportunity to help both a daughter in law and my dearest daughter try on dresses for a couple of days until "the dress". That's the moment where you stop and say, "That's the one. Put the rest away. We'll take it." It's a magical moment. What fascinated me about this episode is that they showed a very intent bride who knew exactly what dress she wanted. When she came out, it was perfect, the absolute "this is it" moment. Then they told her how much the dress cost.

What I should say about this is that I understand there are a lot of people who live differently than I do. I drive through neighborhoods full of gorgeous over-the-top homes and wonder what those people do for a living that allows them this lifestyle. I recognize that there is a whole society of people who would be appalled at my frugal financial status. But at this moment, that point was driven like a stake through my heart.

This summer, we threw the wedding of my daughter's dreams. She and her husband were thrilled. They loved the venue, the dresses, the food, the flowers, the decor, all of it. It was EXACTLY the party they wanted. We held it at a hotel near the groom's parent's house, so they could attend easily since his father is not well. The only things we have ever spent more on than this wedding are houses and cars.

The dress on this bride in Say Yes To The Dress this morning cost more than we spent on the whole wedding for our daughter. Her parents started bargaining, they tried to talk the salon into selling them the sample that their daughter tried on, regardless, the dress was pricey.

So, when their budget for the dress eclipses my budget for the wedding, I have to ask: is it worth it? Will that one dress, that one day, give this bride a better launch into married life than any other? She was a very pretty girl. I'm very sure she would have looked tremendous in any dress she tried on. Surely, those very talented salespeople could have steered her toward a flattering fit. They KNOW things.

I really don't live like that. I don't set my sights on something expensive and think, "if I can't have that, I don't want anything." I don't moon over jewelry I can't have. I admire it. If someone gifted me with it, I would cherish it, but I don't look at something tremendously expensive and think, "it's that or nothing." I'm not sure I even know anyone who does. That attitude is outside the realm of my understanding.

I understand people work hard for their money and want to spend it in whatever way they wish... but if you're going to spend that much money on a wedding, wouldn't it be better to buy the kids a house? Wouldn't that be a better liftoff into life? I don't live like that. I'm not sure I'd want to.

--Sandee Wagner

Donuts on Sunday

As a child, one thing I remember about Sundays is that after church there were always coffee and donuts. That was the time to catch up with friends and share fellowship. I remember the donut store that provided the myriad dozens of glazed donuts the church sprung for each week. I passed it on my way to school.

I know donuts aren't health food. I know that I shouldn't eat them all the time. But there's just something about hot donuts on a Sunday morning that makes my world all right.

We moved to Oklahoma in 2000. At that time, I was amazed by three things: 1) the number of young people smoking here; 2) the number of people who prayed in public over meals; and 3) the number of people missing teeth. Oklahoma was wild new frontier for me. As a child, we'd camped here--seen buffalo and picked up geodes. But moving here meant really getting to know the people of this great state.

The first Sunday I had a hankering for a donut, I learned a lesson about Tulsa. This is the HOME of Daylight Donuts. I live less than 5 miles from the factory where they ship out 18 wheeler loads of donut flour on a weekly basis. There are more Daylight Donut franchise shops in this town than you'd think possible.

And so few open on Sundays. That's right. All the donut stores are closed on Sundays. Don't get me wrong, I know a sole proprietor needs a day off too. I know Sunday is biblically the day of rest. I understand all of those things--logically--but when you want a donut... you want a donut.

This morning, as we lay in bed, my husband opined that he wanted a donut. I told him to call around and see if he could find a donut shop open on Sunday. The only one I know of is the Krispy Kreme shop that is way across town. Taking up the challenge, he googled donuts and started down the list, calling shop after shop until he located one where the phone was answered.

We got our donuts. We didn't have to drive TOO FAR. The shop was bright and clean and run by very nice folks. I'm sure we'll go back. On the way over, we drove by eight different donut shops that were not open on Sunday. Seriously. Who's making all the dozens for the church services?

So, on the list of things that surprise me about Oklahoma, I'm adding a fourth thing: how few donut stores stay open on Sundays. Maybe a fifth: how churches manage to serve donuts and coffee if the stores are all closed. Are they serving day-old donuts? That's not very Christian.

--Sandee Wagner

Marketing FAIL

I have to admit, when I was in my graduate Marketing class, I was convinced that the field was populated by smoke and mirrors, voodoo and magical fairy dust. In a word, such a fuzzy soft science that I could not wrap my Type-A, rule following brain around it. Eventually, I sussed out what I needed to know and made a good grade, but it was challenging.

This falls under the "I know what DOESN'T work" category. So, listen up, retailers. If you are going to start a loyalty program and deliver emails with valuable coupons to your consumers, make sure it works.

I joined the Pep Boys frequent flier program because my husband spends a lot on auto parts. It seemed like a good idea to get some discounts. They sent me an email coupon three weeks ago good for $35 off of service or parts. When I clicked on the "redeem now" link, it took me to a page that said their website was down and to check back later. Hey, I work in IT. Websites do go down once in a while. I left the email in my inbox so I'd remember I had it and didn't think of it again until this morning.

My husband told me he had diagnosed his truck's problem and a $200 radiator was in our future. I told him, "Wait a minute, I need to print out this $35 off coupon." Then I went to the email and clicked on the "redeem now" link, and guess what I got? Three weeks later? The same website down message. So I called the 800 number and spoke to a representative.

Yes, they know their website is down. Unfortunately, there is nothing that they can do for me. I don't really believe that is the case. So I asked for the supervisor or manager on duty. When she got on the phone, this is what she said, "What I can do for you today is cancel your loyalty account and reissue it. Then, in a few days, you'll receive the discount coupon for joining the program." Really? The best you can do is to have me cancel, rejoin, and get a new member's coupon sent out by mail? When I want to spend $200 at your store this morning??

Wake up, marketeers. This is unacceptable. If you have some kind of customer loyalty program, then you are well aware that across the street from your auto parts store is another store where I can choose to spend my hard earned dollars.

If you want to lure my business, and I know you do because I'm your target demographic--household income over $100,000 a year, more cars than drivers, homeowner with disposable income and a good credit score--then you are going to have to get ahead of your technology. Guess what Brittany the customer service supervisor told me today? Pep Boys rewards site has been down for more than a week, that she's aware of. Really? Your uptime statistics must suck pond water.

Here's a thought: don't offer a program that is not going to reward your regular customers unless you have the technology to back it up. I did go to Pep Boys this morning to buy a radiator. I felt the need to yell at the store manager since I'd already unloaded on Brittany. At the register, they offered me a loyalty card application and my venom spewed forth. With my voice raised at the register that shatters glass, I informed her what I thought of their loyalty program.

I'm pretty sure they were glad to see me leave the store. I felt better. The truck runs better. I still have my shiny new loyalty card. I'm just wondering if I'll ever bother to use it again, because their emailed rewards don't appear to be very rewarding.

--Sandee Wagner

Aging and the Little Things

As I get older, I'm finding it a bit more difficult to do things that were mindless in my youth. Like brushing my teeth. Now, don't get me wrong, I still brush my teeth but I am having issues.

In the TV commercials, beautiful people stand upright staring at their oh-so-perfect reflections in the mirror while they carefully brush their gorgeous veneers. There is never a splatter of toothpaste foam around their lips or across that gleaming surface. Often, they drag their tongues across their pearly whites and voila!--done brushing teeth.

In my real life, I bend over the sink, getting as close to the bowl as possible, to capture all the drooling foam. If I stand upright, the mirror becomes so dotted with spray that I end up getting the Windex out daily. So, to eliminate the mess, I lean over the bowl and try to contain the mess.

Enter the glories of aging. I'm growing bone spurs in my spine. I'm told they are rather common and "no big deal". In fact, the doctor who told me this was very kind. I'd complained that my walking daily was being affected by the pain in my lower back. He held my hand, like a confidante, and said, "you're not a walker, you're a swimmer!"

Now, if he'd written a prescription for swimming, I might have a swim-spa in my backyard that I could write off my taxes, but since he didn't my walking for exercise has fallen by the wayside. It's hard to keep doing something that hurts so very much.

Which brings me back to brushing my teeth. Leaning down over the sink has become an agony. My stupid electric toothbrush has a two minute timed run and I can hardly stay bent over long enough for it to stop. If I try standing upright, the mirror becomes leopard spotted as I try to keep my lips locked around the shaft of that spinning brush head.

Am I actually giving up or giving in if I brush my teeth in the shower? I'm just sayin'.

--Sandee Wagner

Insurance or "I bet you I'll die!"

We had a life insurance guy come by last night. He was typical of the breed--classy button down shirt, spiffy creased chinos and highly polished lace up shoes. He didn't wear a tie. That's supposed to let us know that this is a casual, homey experience. Not that he's looking through a microscope at our lifestyle to see if we're living on the edge. Not like he's trying to determine if we want to insure way more than our net worth so we can suicide and collect.

To me, life insurance is an iffy thing. When I think about it for long, I feel like I can hear hucksters shouting and one armed bandits clanging in the background. That's right, it feels like GAMBLING to me.

I find myself bothered by the whole conversation:
"We don't think you're going to die, so here's your policy," the light glints off his reassuring smile as he hands us a flimsy piece of paper.

"I think I'll die sooner, so here's my premium," I hand over a check and hope for the worst.

Life insurance is sold with a whole convoluted 'if you need money you can draw on your payout' Ponzi scheme. Seriously, he said, "if you find out you have a terminal illness, you can draw up to 25% of the policy value in advance of your death!" Umm. Yea? That's great! What? Did he just try to make a terminal illness sound like a good thing?

I know some people consider life insurance to be a great investment (because it's a non-probate asset) but I still think I'm betting on my own death. It feels like tempting fortune to me. I gamble that I'll die sooner than my premiums paid-in equal more than the policy face value. I'm not really good at math, but betting I die sooner so my heirs make out feels kind of maudlin.

Currently, I'm unemployed. Luckily for me, my husband and I only buy as much house as one salary can support. We've been married for a while and this isn't the first economic downturn we've lived through. But with my continued unemployment, my husband worries. If he were to die, how would I survive? Thus, the insurance guy. My husband wants mortgage payoff coverage. So if he dies, the house is paid off. The funny part is, this insurance guy wants us to cover ME too. So if I die, the mortgage is paid off. I looked at my husband and said, "Why? If I die, you can still pay the bills--that won't change." The insurance guy looked a little concerned (there goes half his premium!) Then he mentioned that if I die, wouldn't my husband LIKE a big chunk of money? It seems that you don't actually have to pay off the mortgage. You can spend it how you like. Do I really want to fund a trip to the islands for my grieving husband? Umm. I guess so.

So, this very nice insurance guy sits down and starts asking 'lifestyle' questions.
Do I drink? Do I smoke? Do I sky dive? Do I scuba dive? Do I rock climb? I was waiting for him to ask if I tamed lions. I don't. But I still expected to have to affirm that. He also admitted that he was 'looking around'. By this, he meant that if we said we were non-smokers, but the front flower pots were full of cigarette butts, our premiums would have slid into a different bracket. Really? He's looking in my flower beds? Pull a few weeds while you're there, Jack.

The insurance company is not a very trusting one. They are going to test us to see if we have AIDS or cancer or some other blood borne disease. Knowing that some nurse is going to come to my house and draw blood and quizz me about my health is priming the pump of my perverseness. Think of all the stuff I could say while medical questions are being asked:
"I don't go out in daylight. It burns us."
"I only consume free range game. I kill all my own animals. Would you like a canape?"
"What was that question again? The voices said no, but I'm thinking yes."

Insurance is a financial protection. But I don't have to like it. I think I'll work on some more fun stuff for the nurse's visit. It'd be fun to line up some urns on the mantel and put discreet brass name plates on them. Or put a red splashed canvas on an easel and act like it's a work in progress. Maybe lay out some firearms. I'm going to have to give this some thought.

--Sandee Wagner