The Circle of Life

I sat at the hospital last night with a dear friend while her mother lay dying. Her mom was quite old and had lived the past four years in a nursing home suffering with dementia. She didn't even recognize her daughters for the past two years.

The hospital identified that her organs were shut down--there was no possibility of recovery or treatment. They offered palliative care and a quiet place for the family to gather and say their goodbyes.

As an outsider, it was easy for me to judge the hospital staff's kindness and care. I could view the whole thing objectively. She lived a long life, she was 82 when she passed. For the family, it's an enormous loss. A loss of the relationship, the parent, the opportunities to forgive and reconcile.

Because, you see, she was not a nice woman. She had many flaws. She was a substance abuser and she desperately sought love while ignoring her obligations to her kids. At one point in time, she left her high school aged daughter to care for the younger kids and moved in to live with a boyfriend. Nowadays, a neighbor would call Social Services and report such behavior. Her kids raised each other with very little help from their alcoholic mother.

So, it wasn't that loving bedside scene you see in the movies. This woman didn't really appreciate her daughters when she knew who they were. Her mind had checked out and I'm sure she was looking at strangers around her bedside, if she saw anyone at all.

I was there for my friend. No one should have to go through that alone. But sometimes, you're glad when a person dies. It ends bad treatment and allows people to get beyond bad memories.

As I face getting older, I am coming to realize that it's the relationships with people in my life that I need to focus on. That's what's really important in life. Not the stuff. Not the accomplishments. The love.

The circle of life reminds us that each life ends with spiritual rebirth. Babies start out and begin a life, full of promise. Some folks die full of regret. I don't want to be that guy. I want my children to have better memories of me when I pass. Because once her mother is buried, all my friend will have left are tragic memories. It makes me sad.

--Sandee Wagner