If You Love Me...

I did a little road tripping last week. Going through small town America is fun, but there are always physical needs that one must see to. Women through history have been challenged with the search for clean restrooms.

Of all the purveyors of fast food and large inexpensive drinks, McDonald's leads the crowd in clean restrooms. They are not always pretty or new, but you can count on them being clean. That has weight in my book.

As we headed to Branson, MO last week, we stopped at a Brand Spanking New McDonald's restaurant. Not newly remodeled, or new management. Brand new physical building with the 'Now Open' banner flying high.

This restaurant had that new, retro 50's look, lots of sleek horizontal lines, soothing green and brown colors. Comfy chairs as well as the obligatory booths and tables. It was a shiny thing of loveliness. Until I got into the restroom.

I comprehend that people will steal toilet paper. Theft of the stuff is a real issue for fast food joints. They are always on the hunt for some new gadget that will keep the paper secure and still feed it out as needed. Some places have gone to the Huge Rolls that they assume no one can use at home. Others with a locked stacking device where normal sized rolls descend in a chute arrangement as they are used. This shiny new McDonald's had the latter setup.

Each individual roll of toilet paper had no tube or center hole (thus making it less attractive for theft and home use, I guess) and they stacked up with the bottom one available to 'unroll' and use.

In case you are wondering, I need the quote marks around unroll. Because it wasn't that easy.

With all the money spent on the amazing physical plant, the McDonald's management must have run out of pennies, because this bathroom was stocked with the cheapest single ply toilet paper ever made. The kind of toilet paper you get when you're in a third world country. With the weight of the rolls above sitting on the bottom one, you could not roll out the paper. It was too fragile to pull on. If you used one hand to elevate the above rolls, and tried to spin the lowest one, you couldn't gain a purchase and tug out a bit of paper.

Others had been as frustrated as I because that roll appeared to have been mauled by a mountain lion. I found myself scratching and searching for a end, a perforation, anything to allow me to gently (oh so gently) tug against the whisper thin paper.

What I found was myself cussing and screaming in a family restaurant bathroom stall. Yes, that angry and frustrated. I finally shredded off enough paper to make a difference, then bolted from the stall to wash my hands. I exited the glamorous bathroom and looked immediately for the 'tell us what you think' brochure or number. I really wanted to tell them something: if you want people to think your place is nice, don't scrimp on the toilet paper.

If you love me, buy two ply toilet paper. I'm worth it. I thought McDonald's was the place to stop, buy a drink or an ice cream and use the facilities. I may have to rethink that idea.

--Sandee Wagner